I’ve talked before about how blending a family is a lot like a slow-cooker recipe. You put in all these different ingredients: different histories, different personalities, and different ways of doing things: and you wait for them to simmer into something good. But sometimes, there are outside ingredients that try to get into your crockpot and spoil the whole thing. For us, that ingredient has been April’s ex. I have never experienced anything like it. Dealing with a person that seems to be a narcissist isn’t just a personality clash; it’s a constant struggle against a spirit that wants to be the center of every room, even when that room is a court of law.
Recently, April’s ex took her to court. It was a difficult situation. If you’ve ever been there, you know the feeling of sitting in those hard chairs while lawyers weave a narrative that doesn’t feel anything like reality. I am not sure anyone “won” per say. In these battles, “winning” usually just means you survived another day of the chaos. But sitting there, I found myself leaning on a truth I’ve come to hold dear: God is in control. I don’t know why some things happen, and I truly do not understand why we have to go through certain storms. But I hope that in the end, God shows His amazing grace by what turns into the final result.
The Bible warns us about people who use words to manipulate and destroy. Proverbs 26:24-25 says: “Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts.” When you are dealing with a narcissist, you aren’t just dealing with a difficult person; you are dealing with a pattern of deceit that can make you feel like you are losing your mind. They create an alternate reality where they are the victim and everyone else is the villain.
It makes me think of my “life verse,” Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord”. I can’t begin to grasp what God sees because He sits outside of time. What feels like a “sh!$ show” today might be the very thing He uses to protect April and the kids in the long run. I have to stay out of His way and let Him guide me, even when my first instinct is to get angry or try to fix it myself.
If you are in a blended family and you are facing a high-conflict ex, you have to guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 tells us to: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” In the heat of a legal battle, it is so easy to let that anger take root. I’ve struggled with anger in my own life. I know how it feels when it starts to engulf you. But we are called to a different standard. We are called to be Followers of Christ, not just fans.
A narcissist wants your reaction. They want to see you break. They want to prove that they still have power over your peace. But if we are truly trusting in Jesus, we have to realize that our peace doesn’t come from a judge’s ruling or a “deal” worked out in a hallway. It comes from the One who already stood in the ultimate judgment for us.
I find myself looking back at the story of Job. I’ve been thinking a lot about him lately, especially when I toss and turn at night. Job lost everything. He was questioned, mocked, and left sitting in the ashes. But he didn’t curse God. He admitted that he didn’t understand the “how” or the “why,” but he knew the “Who.”
Maybe that’s where we are right now. We are in the “not knowing” phase. We are watching the fallout of someone else’s choices and wondering why we have to be the ones to pick up the pieces. But I am reminded that this world is not our home. The chaos of a courtroom is temporary. The frustration of being a “roommate” in your own house is temporary. But the grace of God is eternal.
To my brothers and sisters who are drowning in the drama of a blended family: don’t give up. Keep putting the right ingredients in your crockpot. Keep praying for your spouse. Keep showing the kids what it looks like to follow Christ even when it’s hard. And most importantly: keep looking up. Jesus modeled a posture of looking toward the light of God when things were heavy.
I don’t know what the future holds for this specific legal mess, but I know who holds the future. I am choosing to believe that God’s “amazing graze” (as I like to call it) is going to cover every legal document and every harsh word spoken. He has a way of taking what was meant for evil and turning it for good.
Are you trusting in Him today, or are you still trying to manage the narcissist? Stop trying to change a person who refuses to see their own sin. Start looking for the grace that is already there, even in the middle of the storm.
